The only player I do fear slightly is the mysterious stranger Craig Smith. He rode in to town a few years ago like a hired assassin, and was almost immediately appointed captain of the 3rds. His pre-season disappearance left the side leaderless this year, and my secret fear is that he will waltz back into town on the eve of the match like the high plains drifter and then dominate proceedings in his inimitable fashion. No contingency plans can be laid for that eventuality. Wylie has apparently hired a private investigator to hunt Smith down, and I pray that he does not succeed.

Mention of McKinty makes me remember just why he was appointed. There is a seven member executive committee running the club right now, and it just so happens that three of the seven are now club captains. When you consider that they also appointed Jimmy Respsold to the Firsts’ job you can see that the club is effectively being ran as a dictatorship, with these seven men having all the power and transparency of Robert Mugabe. The really funny bit is that Bones’ was actually disappointed not to be appointed chairman of selectors too! Freedom is a scarce commodity in the club these days . . . but, in defence of the dictators, it should be pointed out that they are doing a great job. The club will have three home grounds next year, and so long as we all do what we are told, there will be “no discernable loss of liberty”, at least according to statements attributed to the benevolent despots themselves.

Aside from being a believable puppet, Jimmy is also the best overseas player the club has ever had. To be crowned top run scorer in Section 2 in your first season is an amazing achievement, and hopefully next year we will be treated to even more runs and maybe even more wickets. It would be nice if he were able to deliver more balls next season, but I guess we can all cope with the one he has got. Rab McClean has of course been sacked to make way for Jimmy, a very sensible piece of administration given that he won only one trophy in his first year. Had he managed a league and cup double, I am sure that he might have merited another season in charge. Another captain to have resigned his post is Gary Moore. He has decided to play for Laurelvale Seconds next year in a bid to get his hands on the intermediate cup, so good luck to him.

One other piece of good news is that we are the first, and until January at least the only club in the NCU that has arranged any of its league fixtures. Larne Thirds will play their more illustrious colleagues of Larne Fourths at Sandy Bay on Sunday May 28th, and then again on July 9th. Both matches will take place on Sundays, and tickets are scheduled to go on sale soon for one of the most eagerly anticipated matches in the clubs’ history. Do you want me to reserve you a ticket? I am already looking forward to the day, and all players and spectators have been kindly invited to have tea at Chris Erdis’s house in Bay Park. There will be a hot buffet as well as an array of sandwiches, and it will be great to see just how many people will be watching the match and using the new toilet facilities in his house.

One of my best sources of anecdotes is of course my good friend Esler Burke. He had a quiet time this summer, behaving impeccably for the most part. Even his quiet time included more than his fair share of headlines, most notably in the last match of the season when he was almost fatally wounded when fielding at close mid-wicket. I have lost count of the number of times I have told him to move back form such a position, but this was a 5ths match and he scented a wicket as he moved in closer than normal. The bowler flung up a full toss and “BANG!”, the Burkester was down for the count like so many of his boxing heroes from yesteryear.

An ambulance was summoned, the match abandoned and lots were drawn to see who would have to tell Mandy that an unprecedented disaster had occurred. It was all un-necessary though, as the man himself proved his mettle by recovering in the ambulance and eventually being passed as alive. For several days pupils at the local Grammar school laboured under the mistaken belief that he had actually passed away, until one of them heard him shouting during an early season Man Utd match. Esler’s biggest regret was of course “that the match was abandoned and we lost the points”- Points which, incidentally, could have seen the side promoted.

<--- page 1   |    page 3 --->