Sports Personality awards announced

Sunday night saw the club award its own un-official collection of Sports Personality trophies. The glittering black-tie ceremony was held in an outhouse near the recently gutted Olderfleet, with famous figures of yesteryear mixing with the current crop of players. Several international superstars were on hand to both receive and present awards, and the whole evening raised much-needed funds for the club.

A fine meal of crispy strips and fries was provided by a local colonel, and the memorable evening ending with the traditional after-dinner party and late night chundering in several residents’ gardens. The whole event was broadcast by Radio Larne and for those members unable to attend or too drunk to remember events we have provided a special summary of all awards.

The Rodney Newell Disappearing Captain Award:- Another trophy for the peerless Craig Smith. The Third eleven captain exceeded all expectations by neither turning up for any matches, practices or meetings all season. This superb act of neglect left Smith as the clear winner of this momentous award. Unfortunately he was unavailable to receive his award, due to his having disappeared off the face of the f*cking planet.

The Peter Reeves Trophy for longest Journey to a Larne match:- Michael Waterman’s spirited long drives to make up the numbers for the Fifths earn an honourable mention. But the winner has to be Marc Kelly, who drove from Ballymena to Dunmurry (where he could not find the ground) and then all the way back to Larne and then back to Dunmurry where he eventually found his team-mates. After his return to Ballymena he had completed a round trip of approximately 150 miles. Nice navigating Ned.
NB: The award is named after the talented English based wicket-keeper batsman, who once flew back from a business trip for a Firsts’ match only to declare afterward that “I’ve travelled 1500 miles to play cricket with a bunch of wankers.”

Coach of the Year:- A new award created to honour the importance of coaches in the game. Wylie McKinty, who helped the Firsts’ to their first cup trophy in many years, received an honourable mention. However the award went to the Ulsterbus coach that took the Second eleven to the Intermediate cup final. “She was a fine vehicle” said a tearful Gary Moore whilst making the award. (The piece of sh&t we rent from the church received nothing at all.)

Connie du-tuit Overseas Personality of the year:- Named after the hard working former Larne pro, this award was shared between current club pro Jimmy Repsold and Australian captain Ricky Ponting. Repsold’s fantastic batting saw him break all club batting records, while Ponting’s decision to field at Edgbaston and generally pathetic captaincy meant that he picked up many votes from grateful England fans.

Anonymous Team of the year Award:- The Third eleven scooped this trophy thanks to their totally nondescript season. Without a captain or any regular players they bravely toiled in obscurity whilst the other sides grabbed all the headlines. Their ineptness even made the Seconds look good. They produced a superbly poor performance to lose to Ballymena in the quarter-finals of the Minor cup, and were thoroughly forgettable all season. In fact, no-one was on hand to receive the trophy, which symbolized their year perfectly. An honourable mention must go to the Larne Pirates, who were sunk without trace by the big guns of the section one sides. At least they were better dressed (and named) than the sartorially challenged Lisburn Pirates, who emerged for the opening fixture at Sandy Bay dressed in grimey old tracksuits more commonly seen on impoverished Unibond league soccer-players. Not that it stopped them thrashing the Pirates…

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