Bitter Loser’s Trophy/No Personality Award:- Dunmurry Thirds scoop this award for their amazing churlishness they displayed during the two defeats against Larne Fourths. Not content with losing, Dunmurry became the first team in living memory not to applaud the fielding side off. They also displayed a total lack of personality and hospitality between innings, refusing even to look at the visiting Larne team! This was a poor response to the Larne’s side’s hospitality in the first match, when they kindly looked after the visiting captain’s son, furnishing him with drinks, sandwiches and entertainment. This young gent behaved impeccably, remembering the hospitality when the sides re-convened. Sadly, none of his team-mates had the same level of decency and humanity. Perhaps in years to come he will be able to teach this side that cricket is not primarily an opportunity to make new enemies.

Good Losers award:- CSNI 4ths put several other teams to shame with their kind and magnanimous acceptance of defeat during the league decider against Larne 4ths. They put all disappointment behind them and showed that the spirit of cricket survives at Stormont, behaving impeccably even as their league dreams crumbled. Unlike some teams, it is always a pleasure to play CSNI 4ths.

Unsung Hero:- A fine victory here for the king of clean, Michael Walker. His off the field activities and willingness to help out behind the scenes meant that the new third eleven vice-captain is a clear winner.
Honourable mention goes to Bobby McFetridge, the helpful scorer who has now sadly announced his intentions to hang up his pencil after many years of doing the book. Perhaps the prospect of being named next year’s “Unsung Hero” will tempt him back into the scorehut…

Mascot of the year: - No contest here, as the famous and now sadly late “Marty the Dog” takes a bow. Marty bravely overcame the challenge of living with Big Mal and quickly ingratiated himself to all at the club. He had no enemies, except perhaps for Will Graham, (on whose hand he shat watery diarrhea just before last seasons Fourth eleven cup final - Graham then started bowling with four consecutive wides. Technically he was not very friendly with Lewis Lyle either, and he once almost caused an international incident when a visiting dignitary foolishly kicked out at the tiny, one eyed and thoroughly lovable pedigree shitzu from Cherryvale, but that is another story . . . ). Marty passed away peacefully during the season, and we all hope he is quietly peeing on a boundary marker in doggy heaven right now. RIP Marty.

Mal Ewing Blunt speaker of the year award:- went to . . . Mal Ewing. When asked by an empty-headed club captain how the aforementioned Marty was doing, he came up with the bluntest answer imaginable- “I told you the other night, he’s f*cking dead.”

Spaf Memorial for being easily distracted in the Field:- Cameron Ruys picks this special trophy up for his amazing interest in looking at trees whilst supposedly fielding during the Colts cup match as Shaw’s Bridge. Despite that, the “Cameron in the Rye” held numerous good catches this season, proving that concentration is almost as over-rated a virtue as practicing is. (Spaf’s greatest moment came at the Grammar school, when he entertained himself by hanging upside down on the rugby posts during play).

Sports Personality of the Year:- The final award, and the highest accolade that can be awarded unofficially, is shared between two legendaries figures who have made the game of cricket look good this year. Firstly, Paula Radcliff, who memorably disgraced our species by having a crap on the street during the London Marathon. A dog would have been fined for this behavior, but we (and the BBC) feel she deserves a special award. Therefore we are going to send her a special silver-looking turd that we have fashioned out of tin-foil to serve as a reminder of her great contribution to sport. Ell McArthur is also going to be similarly rewarded. Her efforts at winning some boat race in which she was the only competitor created a massive amount of much needed publicity for her sponsors. It also reminded everyone that although war, famine and disease remain in the world there is always enough money to send a Jimmy Krankie look-a-like on a nice boat journey. Hurrah for yachting!

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