Many a Tale Being Sold

McSwiggles’ erstwhile colleague Esler Burke has also finally put pen to paper to tell his story, "Missing leg umpire?" Burke’s amazing career is documented with great detail, starting with his first match (during which he had his arm broken) through to the turmoil of the Picker circus of the 80’s and of course his more recent exploits on, off and leaving the field of play. Another popular member of the club, Mike Waterman, has also gotten into the biography racket with his tome, "Giving it from behind badger-style". It’s a touching tale of a quiet and unassuming individual caught up in the dog-eat-dog world of local cricket, and is sure to bring a tear to the eye of even the most hardened cynic.

One of the most controversial, and some may say premature volumes to appear, has been "Scooter - My Life in Cricket". This two year old dog has only seen several matches, but following on from the likes of Paul Smith he has penned a book that has set tongues (and tales) wagging around the entire cricketing circle. Scooter has gone even further than his predecessor Marty, whose famous memoirs "Cricket and Crapping" briefly topped the best-sellers list in 1998. He has even gone so far as to accuse his main rival Lewis of “interfering with his balls”, and also hinted that Lewis may have used steroids to improve his performance as team mascot.

One of Scooter’s most shocking revelations is the amount of drink and drug taking that goes on around the circuit. Did you know that an under 15 once hit a fifty having just drank three bottles of vodka? Scooter claims that he saw the youth in question drink and then score the runs, and gives several other lurid tales of cricketers behaving badly. For instance, he also claims that the church mini-bus was withdrawn after the 4th XI took it on an un-official tour to Amsterdam during the summer of 2005. “They filled the bus with drugs and drove straight home, arriving three days late for the match and in a very delusional state” reports the canine narrator. “The Larne captain was clearly not himself, and eventually injured himself by falling flat onto the ground whilst attempting to bowl”.

Scooter’s owner big Mal has contributed a forward to his pet’s book, and the popular pooch has repayed the favour by providing an intro to Mal’s own book. "Pilates My Way" is full of great pictures and diagrams, and includes a free giant leotard to help you get started. If personal fitness is your thing then you can also try Bones Anderson’s useful "Diphtheria Diet", or even "Smoke Yourself Thin" by Trev Dempsey, which is a helpful textbook for those wishing to buck the trend of giving up tobacco by starting your own smoking career just as the public ban kicks in. Several of the club’s juniors are also working on a guide book "Binge drinking on a budget".

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