McSwiggle answers more emails and letters

Professor McSwiggle makes a welcome return to deal with his bulging sack again, with the recent Larne derby, plus Sky Sports cricket-coverage and the upcoming Ireland v England match all generating considerable question and comments…

I would like to ask if there is any truth in the rumour that the committee paid for Mal Ewing’s recent trip to America just so that the Fourths’ mascot would not be available for the recent Larne 3rds v. Larne 4ths match.  Scooter Ewing, Fleet Street, Larne

Rumours persist that the committee did indeed part finance this trip, although their reasons for doing so remain unclear.  Apparently Mr. Ewing also received a fictional invite to the world fried-chicken eating contest in Alabama. Only when he arrived at the event did the magnitude of the deception become apparent to him -
“I have been dreaming of winning this contest all my life, and I almost lost my appetite when I realized I had been tricked into missing the match” said a disappointed Ewing after the incident.  No one from the executive committee was available for comment, further fuelling the conspiracy theorists at the club.

I am writing to complain about the press coverage of the recent Larne derby, particular the use of the word “crazy” to describe Nobby Stiles’ running during the match.  I think if you look at the incidents closely you will find that the tactic of hitting the ball straight to the oppositions’ best fielder and then running is actually a tactical masterstroke, in that the opposition were not expecting the batsmen to run.  It was in fact pure genius.  Anon, Bay Road.

I agree.  The batsmen had already used this tactic the previous over to great success, and I think that the non-striker was clearly to blame for the run out in question.  NOBODY in the ground could have predicted they were going to run, and I think you have made a wonderful point.

I am writing to complain about the recent Larne derby, and in particular the decision to move the match to Sandy Bay.  I had just awoken from my drunken slumber and dragged my hung-over ass out to the Rugby club, only to find that it had been moved at the last minute.  Why was this done?  Gerf, Belfast.

I too am writing to complain about the match being played at Sandy Bay.  Every Sunday morning I take my dog out for a s%&t on the cricket square, so imagine my surprise when I turned up last week and found a cricket game in progress.  I had to take my dog down Bay Park and stand for ages outside Number 19 until my canine companion emptied its bowels on his front lawn, and the whole incident frankly ruined my Sunday.  “Dog walker”, Tower Road.

The match was moved because it was clear that the Rugby Club is not quite ready for proper cricket matches.  Until they build a replica of the Sandy Bay pavilion at the Glynn and pour tonnes of sand on the outfield it will remain an alien place for Larne cricketers. Sewage pipes in the outfield would also be an advantage, whilst there is clearly no slope on the square at all.

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