Kerry: how does the polish firing squad stand?
panzerdiesel: ?
Kerry: IN A CIRCLE!!!!
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Kerry (4:30:35 AM): did u hear about the rabbi that made the wallet out of
foreskin?
Kerry (4:30:46 AM): when he rubs it gently it turns into a suitcase!!
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Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?
Free ham.
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The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good news?
Pope: I've just been elected Pope.
Mother: What's the bad news?
Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.
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One day a Jewish boy asked his dad for 10 bucks.
His dad's reply: "8 bucks...whatta ya need 6 bucks for?!?"
So he says, "Ok. Have 3 bucks," pulls out 2 and asks for a buck change.
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Why are there so many homes for battered women?
Because they just don't fucking listen!!
[I don't normally explain jokes, but I would like to point out on this one that I think it's funny because the man's
attitude is so ludicrous. If you weren't aware that beating women was wrong, you would not find any
humor in this joke.]
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First Day in Prison.
Mark Hoffman (a well known weirdo in Utah) was sent to prison and placed in a cell with a huge, burly guy. When lights-out occurred, the big guy got out of his bunk and said to Hoffman,
"We're going to have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
A very terrified Hoffman replied,
"Uh, well, I guess I'll be the Daddy."
Then the burley guy said,
"OK then, get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
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Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Belgium?
A: God couldn't find three wise men in Belgium.
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Q: What's considered foreplay in Arkansas?
A: When the man says, "Brace yourself, Linda Lou."
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Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.
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Q: Why did God make North Dakota?
A: To protect Canada from South Dakota!
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A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."
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Two friends, a Scotsman and a Jew, are out drinking one night. Eventually Nature calls, and so they head for the head. The Scotsman takes the lone urinal, and the Jew says that he has to take a dump anyway so he enters the stall. The usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew says "Damn!"
"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.
"Well, when I was pulling my pants up, I dropped a dime into the toilet."
The Scotsman joins the Jew in the stall to look at the sad sight. They both shake their heads in despair. Then the Scotsman reaches into his pocket and drops a quarter into the toilet.
"What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew.
And the Scotsman says, "Och, I'm not gonna stick my hand in there for a dime!"
------------------------------------
Q: How do you blind a Chinese person?
A: Put a windshield in front of him.
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Q: How do you know when Chinese are moving into your neighborhood?
A: When the Mexicans start getting car insurance.
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Mestizo Math Exam
CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: _____________________________
Gang: ___________________________
1. Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many
Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang *hasn't* Hector knocked up?
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?
------------------------------------
God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou
shall not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou
shall not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"
------------------------------------
The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness.
We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert.
An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off it."
------------------------------------
Q: What are the two biggest lies in Poland?
A: "The check is in your mouth" and "I won't come in the mail."
------------------------------------
Why do the police in Prague travel in threes?
They need one who is able to read, another who can write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
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How did the Puerto Rican woman know that her daughter was having her period?
She could taste the blood on her son's penis.
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Three athletes were standing in line waiting to enter the Olympic Village.
The first guy is carrying a discus, and he walks up to the guard and says, "Soviet Discus Team." The guard says pass.
The second guy is carrying a vaulting pole, and he walks up to the guard and says, "East German Pole Vaulting Team." The guard says pass.
The third guy is carrying a rolled up chain-link fence on his shoulder, he walks up to the guard and says, "Polish Fencing Team." "Pass..."
------------------------------------
When Mrs. Ghandi went to Moscow, Khrushchev took her for a tour of the city in his limo. Recalling his visit to India, He started giving her a hard time about the sanitary conditions there.
"When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere."
Poor Mrs. Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of the road. She pointed this out.
Khrushchev was livid and didn't hesitate: "Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!"
The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then returned to the car.
"Sir, I can't shoot that man, he's the Indian ambassador."
------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the new brand of tires - Firestein?
A: They not only stop on a dime, they pick it up.
------------------------------------
This Pole got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night.
"For God's sake, Stan," said his bride, "you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee."
So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.
------------------------------------
Why Beer is Better Than Retarded People
Beer doesn't drool.
Beer stains wash out easier than drool.
Beer will wait patiently in the car while you play (football, etc.)
Beer is never late.
You don't have to limit yourself to disyllabic words in discourse with beer.
Beer doesn't cry if you forget it.
Beer doesn't vote.
Beer never answers your phone.
Beer doesn't work your crossword puzzles in ink.
Beer doesn't demand to watch cartoons.
Beer won't ask loud, embarrassing questions in public.
If the head's too big on your beer you can blow it off.
If the head's too small on your beer you can get another.
Beer doesn't have to be sterilized.
------------------------------------
An Irishman and a Jew are having dinner at an expensive restaurant. At the end of the meal, surprisingly enough, the Irishman is heard to say, "That's ok, I'll pay for it." And even more surprisingly, he does.
The next morning, the headline in the papers is, "Jewish Ventriloquist's Dummy Found Strangled in Blind Alley."
------------------------------------
You Know You're From Canada When...
1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in withsnow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but
requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21. You find -40C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your
Sorrels.
24. You can play road hockey on skates.
25. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada
------------------------------------
10 Ways To
Terrify a Telemarketer
Print this and keep next to your telephone!!
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems;
my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where
it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause
as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in a SINISTER voice , "I don't have any friends .. would
you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you a case of beer and some chips. (LOVE THIS ONE!)
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give our
credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they
will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When
the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number,
you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say
good bye-and Hang up.
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD
down.
------------------------------------
Redneck Computer Check
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety testROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
------------------------------------
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!!
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs, despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But IF they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS FREAKIN' HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12-FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
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"I warn you, gentlemen, if you do not exclude Jews for all time, your children will curse you in your graves." - Benjamin Franklin
