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Yet another page of Tag Lines, Quotes, Aphorisms, and Jokes. Most of these I found on the net, but a few I made up myself. Some I have no idea who said them, but others I have haven't shown the author of for consistency. I hope you enjoy my little page... |
  
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2 is not equal to 3 - not even for large values of 2.
A banker is a person who lends you an umbrella when it is dry, and then asks for it back when it starts raining.
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.
Absolute zero is cool.
Air is water with holes in it
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I need just enough money to have pizza every night.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word... and unlimited power
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your night-dress.
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a lot of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee...
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task... completely overwhelm you.
By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry' ...
Capitalism is: Man exploiting man. Socialism is the other way around.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
Constipation is the thief of time. Diarrhoea waits for no man.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
DANGER, DANGER Will Robinson! [Robot flings arms wildly] "INTEL INSIDE!"
Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Dogmatism is puppyism come to its full growth.
Donald Duck isn't all he's quacked up to be.
Don't confuse me with the facts - my mind is made up.
Don't hate yourself in the morning... sleep until noon.
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends... tell me where to get more wax!!
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery.
Eschew obfuscation.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Galileo was wrong! The world revolves around me!!
Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
Giving money and power to politicians is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boy.
He who hesitates is probably smart... or maybe he is stapled to the floor?
Hickory, dickory, dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, the other two escape with minor injuries...
History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
Honk if you love peace and quiet!!?
I always said I wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I am at one with my duality.
I am logged in... therefore I AM.
I apologise for this long letter, I didn't have time to write a short one.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
I could finally make ends meet, but then somebody moved the ends.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I don't have to take this abuse from you - I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
I don't pretend to have all the answers, I don't even pretend to know all the questions.. Hey, where am I?
I don't want the whole world... I just want your half.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying
I don't want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it
I finally got it together, but now I've forgotten where I put it.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be so, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners!
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes... and six months later you have to start all over again.
I have a new philosophy; I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
I have a plan so cunning... you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel.
I have nothing definite to apologise for; I'm just sorry about everything in general
I have often had the impression that, to penguins, man is just another penguin - different, less predictable, occasionally violent, but tolerable company when he sits still and minds his own business.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me - That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said but, I'm not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
I like pigs! Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
I may not be perfect but parts of me are excellent.
I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word I am saying.
I only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I put the *fun* into dysfunctional.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach, 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mould. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that?"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Woo-hoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people.
If it wasn't for the last minute - nothing would ever get done.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go! Because - man, they're gone.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
If you hit a man over the head with a fish, he'll have a headache for a day. If you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish, he'll have a headache for the rest of his life.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is.
It doesn't matter whatever temperature a room is... it's always room temperature.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and even fewer still to ignore someone completely.
It's 206 miles to Chicago, we've got a full disk of GIFs, half a meg of hypertext, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Click it!!
It's a darn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's hard to make a comeback if you haven't been anywhere.
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
Keep an open mind... but not so open that your brains fall out.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you snore alone.
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think, and a docudrama with ugly actors for those who film docudramas.
Life is like a B-grade movie. You don't want to leave in the middle of it, but you don't want to ever see it again.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Life's a bleach, and then you dye.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Many people do not realise that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of strainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words *mank* and *ind* What do these words mean? It's a mystery to me, and that's why so is mankind.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can enable you to be unhappy in comfort.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
My life has a superb cast, but I just can't figure out the plot.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right
Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes - cause by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever you like about him.
Never make forecasts, especially about the future.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
No matter where you go... there you are.
Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Notice: "Due to budgetary constraints, the light at end of the tunnel is being turned off."
Once you're over the hill, you pick up speed.
Once you've opened a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a bigger can!
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Politics, def: Poli=(many), tics=(blood sucking parasites).
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.
Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.
REALITY.SYS not found. Universe halted.
Seen on gas station sign: "Eat here, Get gas."
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but it is hard to make out the numbers.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Sometimes I think - The world has gone completely mad! And then I think - Aw, who cares? And then I think - Hey, what's for dinner?
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door!
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
Test your reflexes... get into a sealed bag with a rabid ferret.
That was Zen, this is Tao.
The decision is maybe... and that's final!
The most valuable and useful of all talents and abilities is that of never using two words or descriptions when one will do or suffice.
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialogue box and lets you press 'OK' first.
The other super-heroes were getting tired of Flatulence man always blaming his mysterious side-kick Captain Invisible.
The problem with being punctual is that no one is ever there to appreciate it.
The sun came up again today. Mornings seem to work that way.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. 'Uh-oh', he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.'
There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.
There's nothing like unrequited love to take all the taste out of a peanut butter sandwich.
These are my opinions and only my opinions, unless you share them as well, which would make them our opinions, but I am not of the opinion that I can express your opinion as my opinion without your prior expression of said opinion, and then my re-utterance of that opinion would, in my opinion, be foolish unless I were expressing agreement to your opinion, and then it wouldn't be my opinion but your opinion to which I only agree.
They don't dare fire me, I'm too far behind in my work.
This is like deja-vu all over again.
This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
This project is so important - we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
Time flies like an arrow... Fruit flies like a banana.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says - Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks.
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.
Truce is better than Friction.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around)
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to one simple question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?""
When everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for 'better treatment'? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Why not have your cake and eat it too? ...it's cake, so what else are you going to do with it?
Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
You can't have everything, where do you think you are going to put it all?
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